When Your Rapist Goes to Jail

This is more or less one of the last things I want to get personal about. But, if my story can lend some comfort and support to at least one person, if it helps someone throw away their shame, if it helps someone regain their voice and power, it will be worth it.

In case you do not know, please learn this: no harm inflicted upon you by another human being is your fault. You do not deserve it and you did nothing to deserve it. It does not reflect who you are; it is only a reflection of that persons lost and darkened soul. You are not nothing; you are everything, more than enough. You deserve love, kindness, respect and happiness and there are people in this world who will give that to you just because you are you.

I was destroyed by keeping what I thought was a shameful secret – having been raped – to myself for so long, stuffing the light of the truth away along with the light of my soul.

I was pretty sheltered around sex and most worldly things. I grew up in a Christian church, going to Sunday and mid-week services and playing a role in the youth ministry, which had strict dating guidelines – supervised double dates, third-wheels, parents home, doors open sort of thing. I was fourteen and had been “seeing someone” for a couple months, nothing official yet but we were into each other. His family was apart of our church my parents trusted him and his family.

At this point in my life, I had no interest in sex, or anything sexual for the matter, but kissing. I grew up believing in waiting until you are married to “give yourself away.” I loved me some kissing though and I definitely had a rebellious bone or two. We wanted to see each other when we wanted to see each other and did what we did to make that happen. I snuck out of the home, took my dads car without a license and drove to see him. We snuck into his home, and were purely making out, clothes on, when all of a sudden, without question or talk, he was going for it.

You were probably taught about “fight or flight” – that when threatened, and animal has a physiological reaction in response to that danger to either face it head on or run away from it. Well, that is not the whole story. “Freeze” is left out, and that’s what I did, kind of like when an opossum “plays dead.”

I don’t think at the time I really understood what was happening. I told him that he was hurting me, to stop, but he would not acknowledge me and I froze. My body was numb and my soul hovered above. When he got off of me, I dressed, got out and luckily drove home safely. My dad was up waiting for me. The dog barking at my closed door gave my cover away. I didn’t tell him what happened. I was punished for sneaking out and taking the car. I went to bed, bleeding, and thought I was the worse person in the world…

I know now it was not my fault and that I was not and am not the worst person in the world. I know now I didn’t do anything to deserve what he did to me and what you did only reflects the darkness in his heart. If you want to know my story of getting my light and voice back, refer to my first blog post “Raw. Here I Am.”

I’ve seen him since, both in times of denial that would send a knife through my gut, and afterwards, when I wanted to punch his face in. Now, about 10 years after the fact, he is in prison, for something involving drugs. My mom told me this past Christmas. It didn’t feel like a Christmas present though. I was not happy and did not feel like justice was served. I was definitely grateful he could not harm another woman but I felt sad for his lost, dark soul. I know what lost and dark feels like. He’s physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually imprisoned. I am free

Sending you love and support on your journey,

Bex

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5 thoughts on “When Your Rapist Goes to Jail

  1. Thank you for sharing – you truly are free and I’m sure you have already empowered many women to open up -with your story. You have a beautiful soul and I love seeing you on this beautiful journey. You certainly have inspired me💗

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  2. Becca,

    I am happy to know that you are recovering. I must admit that I was deeply saddened to hear about what happened to you, even if it was long ago. When you first posted your story I was at a loss for words, but know that my heart was with you. I guess that it’s always just more shocking when you hear of terrible things that happen to good people.

    I remember when we met in school, you said you were dealing with depression. I could relate, but I was shocked because you seemed so happy. Though, after hearing about Robin Williams late passing, I think it’s clear that there is still a lot that we don’t understand about ourselves as human beings. What I do understand though, is that your story is inspiring. It’s a comeback story, and you are the hero! Now, you may feel like the right justice has not been served, but at least he is where he belongs. Plus, I think he’ll get a good dose of his own medicine in jail… If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I think ‘Date Rape’ by Sublime could fill you in. Gotta respect that karma, rude boy…

    P.s.

    Wishing you the best! Maybe someday we will meet again. This time, I hope it’s where the ocean meets the sand, and the sun settles. Also, If you don’t mind, I can bring someone special I met with me. I have a feeling that you two would enjoy each other as fellow yogis, and we’ve been dying to make it to California.

    Signing out,
    Ry

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    1. Dearest Ryan,
      My heart is so full from your words and love. Thank you, thank you. I was in my deepest depression when I was at VT (at that point all of this was still a secret) but you, the others and believe it or not, studio, were my light keeping me going. I hold that time, although very dark in some ways, so precious in my heart. You always have and still do bring a smile to my face. It’s true that it is hard to see depression as a disease, that it can take your life. You are very wise and I am very happy you have a special someone – I can’t wait to meet her one day. I’m living in Athens, Greece now, with my special someone 🙂 It’s a little further from CA but you have to make it out to the Greek islands one day. You and your girl always have a place with me. And I’ll be in CA a little this August if you are there. Either way, I hope to cross paths one day too and I hope it’s where the sun and sea meet… the best place to be.
      Sending you my love and wishing you the very best of life.
      B

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