I was obsessing over and punishing myself for what and how much I ate and how hard and often I worked out. Guilt hung over me pointing out everything as flawed. Something that was taking over my thoughts, that seemed so important to me, like it would boost me to eternally happy, ended up feeling like nothing. Last year, I got on the scale (which I was doing every day) and hit my target weight and all time low since I was basically in middle school. I didn’t get a trophy or applause; the scale didn’t flash ‘Congratulations!’ Nothing was different. I stood there, naked and alone in the bathroom, staring at that number and thinking, “What now?”
Diet and exercise are important aspects of health but they aren’t the whole story. No matter how much I worked out or how many veggies I ate, I was still missing something. It was then I realized how miserable I was living with an inner voice that is discouraging, mean and pessimistic. I wanted to change my way of thinking. From the books I read, the amazing yoga teachers have and the books they’ve written (thank you, Ally Hamilton!), this seems a matter of practice and grace.
I pulled my attention away from my body, which took building self-trust, and dove into training my mind. My yoga practiced turned from strong Vinyasa flow and intense spin classes to restorative and gentle yoga with deep meditation and walks outside. My goals revolve around self-love and self-care instead of losing weight. I use a lot of affirmations, thanks to Louise Hay. I catch myself in my “I look horrible, I don’t do enough…” thoughts and turn them into “I am beautiful and strong, I am love, I love myself and I am enough…” I even cook differently now and never forget the most important ingredient in every meal– VitaminL(ove). I am working on maintaining a curious and loving spiritual life, building a fulfilling career and giving fully to loving relationships.
My life is much more enjoyable now that I love myself and take care of myself first and foremost. I have to practice these things every day or I get lost and I refuse to be held back by fears or insecurities.
So, what fills you besides food?
Sending you lots of love on your journey!